The Beast with a Million Eyes (1955)

I've moved The Beast with a Million Eyes to the top of my list because I promised to take part in Project Terrible, a blog-a-thon where we challenge ourselves to watch the worst movies imaginable. This would have been fun had I the time to properly participate, but I don't. This will be my last entry. Sorry guys. After this, I have five movies I've already seen but haven't made time to post.

Don't know the premise of the movie? Don't worry! Evil alien explains it at the very beginning. You see, his species used up their home planet so he wants to take over ours. Damn interlopers! He will accomplish this (all alone, it turns out) by taking over the minds the lower animals first then the lesser men. By doing so, he will be able to watch all mankind. He will be known as The Beast with a Million Eyes!!!!

So, here's how things pan out. Said alien lands in an extremely remote area outside a small family farm. On said farm lives a man, his hysterical wife (that's BEFORE she finds out about the aliens), and his semi-hot daughter. Also is a "handy man" called "Him". He don't have a name so folks just call him Him. Clever. Him don't talk. Him just do his chores and stare at the wife and daughter. Him like pretty women. Him like wife and daughter too.

Father, hysterical wife, and daughter mostly go about their dysfunctional lives almost oblivious to the main plot of the movie. Low flying "air craft" causes lots of glass to break, making hysterical wife extra hysterical. Animals seem to be acting strange causing Father to go "Hmmm." Eventually dad concludes that the only explanation is that an alien must have landed in the desert and is trying to take over the world. It's the only logical conclusion.

So, the family, aided by the deputy, go into the desert to sing combaya and defeat the alien. Wow, did this movie drag! No action, mediocre acting, bland dialog, this movie had nothing. Now, while watching I was waffling between giving it a 2.0 and 2.5. It was, after all, mostly watchable. In the end, it earns a 2. It was boring.

While there were four main characters (not including the alien and animals), there were two others. An old foolish man who gets killed by his cow and Deputy Larry, played by Dick Sargent. Folks may remember him as the second and slightly more butch Darrin Stephens. There may have been a quick scene at the police station, but I forget.

So, before I go, here are my last cuts. Apparently daughter was a "lesser man". The bathing suit she wore would have been appropriate for swimming in January. The alien isn't known as the beast with a million eyes because nobody found out about him until the very end. And how do you expect to take over the world by starting in the middle of nowhere?

Invasion of the Star Creatures (1962)

Middle aged privates Philbrick and Penn are ordered to investigate a cave opened up by an nuclear test explosion and discover space aliens and their diabolic plot in this Abbot and Costello comedy. The parts of Abbot and Costello are played by Frankie Ray and Robert Ball. Never heard of them? Well, that's because they suck.

I watched this movie as a challenge. They are calling it Project Terrible. Some of us movie bloggers are challenging each other to watch some of the worst movies available. This is my punishment.

Philbrick and Penn are commanded by the clueless Colonel Rank (groan) and joined by a stupid Sargent who speaks only in beatnik lingo. An exercise in restraint, this is not. Combining the goal of being funny in every single inch of footage with a lousy script and bad acting is a recipe for disaster. Penn does bad impressions of James Cagney and Peter Lorre that wouldn't make his school chums laugh while they rehash Stooge bits and even channel Scooby Do. If you are going to steal other people's bits, do them well at least. This movie was so bad I was surprised Roger Corman wasn't at the helm. But, apparently screenwriter Jonathan Haze was a longtime bud of the schlockmister.

Anyhow the two aliens are seven foot tall babes. Well, 6'2" attractive women. Ok, 5'9" ok looking chicks in high heels, but next to our shrimpy heroes they seem like hot amazons. Their henchmen are "vegimen", non-thinking plant based creatures. Yea, that's right. Ripped off from The Thing from Another World.

At this point I'd like to apologize to the Native Americans in the audience. Your people were the victim of European imperialism and you and your culture paid a dear price that can never be reconciled. In addition, after your subjugation, your culture and values were mocked and insulted in the popular media. Please don't watch this movie. It will not make you happy.

Having said that, I'm giving this movie the elevated rating of AMRU 2. Why so incredibly high? Yes, the acting was bad. The comedy was unfunny and unoriginal. The zero restraint made any scene with comic potential fall flat. But, it had some good points. The technical aspects were well done. The pace was good, the shots were well blocked, and the video quality was fine.

Plus one more thing. My three boys laughed their asses off.