Diamonds are Forever (1971)

After murdering Blofeld (Charles Gray), Bond (Sean Connery) now investigates a diamond smuggling ring. Blah blah blah German space lasers.

Bad guys are dispatched by other bad guys with such frequency that it’s hard to figure out what is really going on. In actuality, that doesn’t matter. Bond sleepwalks into dangerous situations without a plan, gets into trouble, then is implausibly saved. Bond Girl Tiffany Case (Jill St. John) starts on the bad side but soon succumbs to Bond’s “charm”.

So too does Lana Wood’s Plenty O’Tool, both on screen and off. Wood and St. John had a long standing feud because Connery “dated” both during production. Lana, sister of Natalie Wood, and St. John have more reason for animosity. Jill is married to Robert Wagner, Natalie’s husband at the time of her death. During a 2017 interview, Lana said she believes Wagner murdered her sister.

Jimmy Dean, the sausage guy, was apparently an actor, portraying a Howard Hughes analog. Dean was an employee of Hughes at the time making that a bit awkward. But the most memorable part of this mostly unremarkable Bond film are the assassins Kidd and Wint. They neither look nor behave like you’d expect of a Bond villain. Also, it is heavily implied that they were a couple. So, it isn’t bad enough that they were remorseless murderers, they also were the G-A-Y! Hey, it was the 70’s.

Diamonds also features an apparent stunt gaff. In order to fit his Mustang through a narrow alley, Bond hits a ramp and balances his car on the right two wheels. But when he exits, the car is on the left. A quick, unconvincing scene was spliced in showing Bond turn the steering wheel to move the car to the other side.

Perhaps the most forgettable of the early Bonds, Diamonds are Forever still manages to do what Bond films do. It’s visually interesting and holds your interest, so long as you don’t think about it very much. AMRU 3.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

Dr. Phibes (Vincent Price) is horribly scarred from a car accident while rushing to be with his sick wife. When she dies, he holds  her nine doctors responsible. Presumed dead from his crash, Phibes enacts his plan to murder them in the mode of the biblical plagues, with minor alterations for filming purposes.

Virginia North was adorable as Phibes’ assistant Vulnavia, whose presence here makes no sense. She previously appeared in the Lazenby Bond film. Caroline Munro was uncredited as Phibes’ dearly departed. She would later go on to be in a Moore Bond film. Susan Travers played an argumentative nurse. Previously she had a small role in the excellent Peeping Tom. She didn’t get to do a Bond film, but did get to work with Hitchcock. She seemed to play nurses a lot.

It was sad to see a late career Joseph Cotten stumble through his lines. There wasn’t much dialog but what little there was, was terrible. Price recited all of his lines in a studio as his character could only talk using the technology of phonograph. Worse than the dialog, though, was the police work. They interview people and fail to ask the most basic questions. Every aspect of their work borders on laughable, but maybe that was the point. Ostensibly set in the 1920’s, Phibes’ Phantom opera house inspired mansion resembled a cheap amusement park ride, complete with a clockwork band.

Billed as Price’s 100th film, it was 85th by my count. A pretty ridiculous movie, The Abominable Dr. Phibes plays right to Price’s strengths. Not a good film by any measure, and maybe more dark comedy than horror, but it holds your attention. AMRU 3. I don't know if I can bring myself to watch the sequel.

Harold and Maude (1971)

Harold is a young rich man with a death fixation. Between childhood and adulthood, his mother and other authority figures control his life. He plays morbid pranks, usually to no reaction. While attending funerals of strangers, he meets Maude (Ruth Gordon), an older woman who changes his life.

Many films of the era tried to tap into the zeitgeist of the youth movement, often with the sincerity and authenticity of an episode of The Monkees. Here, everything is unconventional to the point of subversive, without feeling forced. The values and expectations of the establishment are wonderfully subverted.

Harold and Maude make an unexpected couple, Ruth being fifty one years older than Harold’s Bud Cort. But in the end it becomes a very believable relationship. She is the most unconventional of adults with a healthy relationship with death. She shows him that it is ok for him to be himself, have fun, and not fear the inevitable. There isn’t a moment that doesn’t ring true.

This is a black comedy in the truest sense. But beyond humor, it has heart and a point of view. AMRU 4. Now, if it weren’t for all that Cat Stevens music …

The Last Picture Show (1971)

Horny teens deal with life in a depressingly small 1950’s Texas town. Think American Graffiti if it were completely different.

First off, wow the cast is amazing. Our three principal characters are played by Jeff Bridges, Cybill Shepherd, and some other guy. Supporting actors include Ellen Burstyn, Eileen Brennan, Randy Quaid, Ben Johnson, and Cloris Leachman. Each hint at interesting back stories we don’t fully explore. I can imagine a TV series that slowly explores each character over many seasons. There’s also a movie house but it serves only as a metaphor.

Everyone has secrets but secrets are not kept long in a small town. Our protagonist Sonny finds this out. In the end people grow up, move on, and occasionally die. The Last Picture Show is a fascinating film. It has a different look and feel than films that came before. It wouldn’t be right to say that nothing ‘happens’, but there is no big story arc. Just stuff and its consequences. Nothing happens but in fact, everything happens. Think American Graffiti if it were completely different.

The Last Picture Show is a remarkable film and I’ve done a poor job selling it. So if my description doesn’t convince you, at least watch it for Cybill’s pool scene. AMRU 4.

The Omega Man (1971)

Dr. Neville (Charlton Heston) is the last survivor of a biological world war. He travels around during the day collecting supplies and killing people… oh, yea. There are these other people roaming around in the darkness. Bizarre cultists he needs to gun down. Has to, otherwise they would kill him. They wear black robes, cannot stand the daylight, and hate all forms of modern technology because it destroyed the world. Can’t really argue with that point given the circumstances.

Anyhow, Neville wanders all day doing his “shopping” and looking for their ‘nest’ so he can wipe them all out once and for all. And trying to find a cure. That too. He is a doctor after all. Oh, look! A chick!

Dr. Neville is a very lonely man. He plays chess with a bust of Julius Caesar, hears phantom telephones ringing, and goes to the movies just to hear human voices. Strangely he watches the Woodstock film, not a very Charlton Heston-like choice. He watches with the same creepy, lecherous stare he eyes his new love interest with (Rosalind Cash).

Pretty light on the horror elements, this is the second of three major adaptations of Richard Matheson’s 'I Am Legend', the least faithful to the book and arguably the worst. The heart and humanity of the original story was replaced with an action hero gunning down evil zealots. Some will find The Omega Man fun. It has a free spirit attitude and lots of explosions, but Neville and the other characters behave illogically and the world makes no sense. Plus the score was terrible and the Heston stunt double looked nothing like him.

Omega Man is a shoot-em-up action film based on an intelligent novel. Is Neville a no-nonsense killing machine or a researcher trying to save humanity? Are the cultists evil monsters or the poor afflicted? At times the movie seems to want to have it both ways but in the end errs on the side of inane. Does the light of technology triumph over the darkness of superstition? The same superstitious darkness caused by our enlightened technology? This is a dumb movie based on a smart book that doesn’t quite work on it’s own terms. Wait a minute, is the Christlike Neville actually the villain? Naw! AMRU 2.5.

Countess Dracula (1971)

The aging Countess Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt) gets the hots for a young soldier at her husband’s funeral. Soon she discovers that the blood of a virgin girl makes her skin look young again (by apparently washing away her silly-putty makeup) so she decides to impersonate her own daughter and woo the young man. Complications arise when she learns she must frequently re-apply the virgin-girl-blood, which villagers aren’t very keen about. They weren’t fond of her to begin with.

The main conflict resolves around General Dobi, who loves Elizabeth as she is (rich), the young soldier Imre Toth, who loves who he thinks is the Countess’ daughter, and Elizabeth herself, obsessed with youth and sexy-time. Toth is the closest thing we have to a protagonist so we kinda root for him. But Dobi, cruel and self serving as he is, isn’t without virtue. And we can even relate to Elizabeth’s obsession. Also, sexy-time.

Most of your Hammer Horror weapons are at play here, most notably copious blood and the flashing of cleavage. What doesn’t work are the set which look like that of a stage play, and the makeup and costumes, which are about as convincing as your average Monty Python skit. At one point I could see the tape holding a character’s beard on. And while the 30-something Pitt was quite fetching, I don’t think anyone would mistake her for a nineteen year old. See The Vampire Lovers for context.

Our Countess Elizabeth is a version of the historical Elizabeth Báthory from Hungary and not related to Dracula nor a vampire at all. Much like Pitt’s previous film, it reads like a mediocre costume drama with minor horror elements and brief nudity. By no means a waste of time, but between the two, Vampire Lovers is slightly better, and I’d rewatch neither. AMRU 3.

Fiddler on the Roof (1971)

You see, there are these Jews in Russia. You know, before the revolution. And sometimes they fiddle on rooftops. And other stuff happens too.

In reality, Fiddler on the Roof is about tradition in the face of changing times. Changing social customs, changing political climate, and even a coming revolution. Through it all, through each crisis, the people make choices and move on.

Fiddler is another film I knew, but did not know. I knew or knew of the songs, was familiar with the setting, but didn't know anything about the story. Tevye is "blessed" with five daughters and a hard life. The older daughters are reaching marrying age and he finds they are making nontraditional choices starting with rejecting the matchmaker's selection. The movie does not follow the standard Hollywood story arc. Life goes on. No great resolution.

Norman Jewison was hired to direct because the studio thought he was Jewish (he's not). Things worked out pretty well. Jewison chose Topol from the London production over the more flamboyant Zero Mostel from Broadway. Zero held a grudge. Norma Crane was diagnosed with breast cancer before production, and told no one except Jewison and Topol. She would die in two years. Rosalind Harris, playing daughter Tzeitel, would eventually take over Crane's role on stage as Tevye/Topol's wife. That's not creepy at all.

A good indicator of a movie's impact is how long it sticks with me. At the time of this writing it has been a few weeks since I watched it, and I find my thoughts return to it. Little bits of dialog, the songs, and, oh my god, the dream sequence, stay on my mind. This is masterful storytelling, wonderful acting, and and an all-around treat. AMRU 4.5.

Perchik: Money is the world's curse.
Tevye: May the Lord smite me with it. And may I never recover.

THX 1138 (1971)

In the future everyone is bald, wears white clothes, is required to take drugs, and cannot experience love. Do you see the dystopian future we are becoming? Are you sure? Do I need to beat you over the head some more? They have telephone numbers for names. The cops are automatons. Cameras watch everyone, all the time. Had enough yet? I could go on! Commercialism! Religious imagery! Ahhh!

George Lucas made a film while in college and somehow got his mentor, Francis Ford Coppola, to fund a big-time version of it. My Star Wars obsessed son had to watch it. He bailed half way through.

The story revolved around THX 1138 (Robert Duvall) who stops taking his pills and falls in love with his computer appointed roommate. They run around, stuff happens, he goes to "jail", there's this hologram who eats, and I don't know what else. The movie is a mess.

I will cut it some slack because it was really a low budget remake of a college film, but the story is heavy handed, hard to follow, and uninteresting. George Lucas directed only six feature length films, four being Star Wars. His legacy will be as a visionary writer and producer, but at best he directed only two good movies. Again, I'll cut him some slack and give this a 2.5.

"If you feel you are not properly sedated, call 348-844 immediately. Failure to do so may result in prosecution for criminal drug evasion."

Shiver of the Vampires (1971)

 A newlywed couple stop at a spooky castle to visit the bride's eccentric cousins. Only, they are dead. Well, kinda. Either it's gossip from the villagers, or they are vampires (shuush ... they're vampires!) Anyhow, there are lots of story and character details that are quite boring, and nobody wants me to go into any serious detail anyhow. Let's hit the highlights.

There's a meh-looking travelling vampire chick that killed the foppish cousins (who in life were vampire hunters!) and now has control over them. There's the two servants which I was never sure were vampires or not. They walk around with stupid looks on their faces and say little. There's a woman who was in love with both cousins who gets killed Austin Powers fembot style. And much of the story consists of bride disappearing, husband witnessing a strange and disturbing ceremony, then finds wifey asleep in bed. He seems to need a lot of clues before he catches on.

Anyhow, what made this movie tolerable is that whenever it would slow and tedious, someone would take their blouse off and interest would perk back up. I'm sure the original French version was cut down. It took seven years for it to reach the Americas and as some of the scenes contained unexplained characters or made no sense whatsoever. I'm not so sure the directors cut would have been worth a longer run time. It was over 90 minutes as it was.

The French title was Le Frisson des Vampires which google tells me means something like the Thrill of the vampires, which makes more sense than Shiver, but I just don't feel like being the title-nazi today. Having a title that made sense wouldn't seem to fit here anyhow. Note that there's a fair amount of nudity here, if you are into such things (I am into such things). Director Jean Rollin made a living making such stuff and is revered in some circles.

The surrealist style gives it an art house appeal as well as providing a plausible excuse why the characters behave in a completely unrealistic manner. But that, and the language barrier, does make it hard to relate with the characters. Jean Rollin fans need not offense if I don't care for his style, but I don't care for his style. This was fairly early in his career and will keep an open mind if another crawls across my screen at some point.

File this sucker under soft-core surrealist horror. Story, dialog, acting, all terrible. Some of the visual elements were at least interesting, what with vampire chick climbing out of a clock. And it also had one bona fide startle moment. However, remove the nudity and you remove almost all appeal. AMRU 2.5.

Women in Cages (1971)

We have women, and they are in cages. But the title leaves so many unanswered question. For instance, what are they wearing? Not much, it turns out.

Did I really watch this? Yea, I did. I recently watched two documentaries about exploitation movies (American Grindhouse and Machete Maidens Unleashed!) and both mentioned this gem. Had to give it a try.

Dumb chick is set up by her boyfriend, who promises to get her out of prison. Actually, he wants to silence her so she can't testify against him. After several bouts of torture from the sadistic Alabama (Pam Grier) who was from Harlem, she decides to escape. Will her cellmates help? Gosh, I hope everything turns out ok.

Check your modesty and acting skills at the door. Of course Roger Corman was involved. This movie succeeds if you enjoy watching scantily clad (and non-clad) women being tortured. Big fan of the former, not so much for the latter. Luckily, the "violence" part of the show is hard to take seriously.

All in all, very skipable movie. Both documentaries were quite enlightening about this kind of movie and were far more entertaining. I had to watch Cages over three days. Continuity was not terribly important. AMRU 2.5. I'm being generous.

"This is going to be just like home, only different!"

Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)

One more Frankenstein movie! Well, almost.

Lounge singer with unbelievable cleavage (Regina Carrol) is looking for her sister who took in with the terrifying underworld of surfer dudes. Unbeknownst to her, sis's head was chopped off by Chaney Jr. That's ok, though. His boss, Dr. Duryea (J. Carrol Naish), can put them back on. Does it all the time. Ya see, he runs a museum of murder and needs freshly decapitated women to keep his exhibit fresh, or something like that. Or is it that he is the last member of the Frankenstein family and he needs to experiment? And what's up with the idiot bikers? And what, is Dracula being played by Greg Brady?

I could try to piece together the story line of this turd, but it's not worth the effort. What happened is this was supposed to be a biker movie with different lead actors, then it was turned into a monster movie with earlier footage was clumsily spliced in. There is little to no mystery, no horror, and little to distinguish itself. I watched it for no reason than because it was the last film of two horror icons: Great talent J. Carrol Naish and great nothing Lon Chaney Jr. Chaney played a mute head-chopping monster and Naish was a shell of his former self. Skip it. Need proof? Take a look at the Monster. They weren't even trying. AMRU 2.

Instead I will spend my time on Regina Carrol, the only thing here worth looking at. The movie starts with her singing a silly lounge song and I presumed it was dubbed in as she was clearly just eye candy. Turns out, she actually sang the song. So, nice set of lungs. Regina starred in a variety of explotation flicks like Satan's Sadists, Angel's Wild Women, and Girls for Rent. Dracula vs. Frankenstein, despite being in a similar vein, had almost no nudity to speak of. By the way, Regina's husband directed all of them.

Regina retired from Hollywood in the late 70's but continued to perform on stage. She died of cancer at age 49. Less than four months later, director hubby remarried. Less than three years after that, he tragically died when someone popped a cap in his ass.