You Only Live Twice (1967)

A mysterious rocket eats an American space capsule and the US suspects the Ruskies. It was apparently launched from the Sea of Japan. Always willing to help out, the Brits have their best man on the case. Then he's killed. Roll credits.

Hoo. hoo, look who knows so much! Turns out he's only MOSTLY dead. Actually, just faking so that nobody will suspect him. Or, apparently, recognize him when he walks around without disguise. But what's the point of being a world famous secret agent if nobody knows who you are.

Anyhow, a Russian rocket is also eaten and they, damn commies, blame the sweet old US of A. Bond needs to solve this riddle before the US puts up yet another rocket. I suppose in the 60's it seemed like we were sending men into space every day.

Well, anyhow, the spoiler is that KAOS ... I mean SPECTRE is using their unbelievably advanced science to start a war. Lots of money in global devastation. Bond talks to people who are then killed, is frequently rescued at unbelievably convenient times by a hot chick, climbs a volcano to find it's a secret hide-out, flies around in an ultralight and fires missiles at people, and gets a truly awesome amount of Asian tail. In a nutshell, preposterous but follow-able story, great ninja action, hot chicks.

Connery didn't do the next Bond film (On Her Majesty's Secret Service), but did do Diamonds are Forever. Because rumors were circulating about him leaving the franchise, the studio played into them saying Bond gets married, dies, and becomes Japanese. He does all these things here, lucky him.

AMRU 3.5. I'll go with best Bond so far. I totally want to take a Japanese bath ...

"Oh, the things I do for England"

Goldfinger (1964)

Bond (Sean Connery) is sent to investigate Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe) who is suspected of smuggling gold. After Bond is captured by Oddjob, he convinces Goldfinger to keep him alive so he can bed more of Goldfinger's helper women. Bond proceeds to uncover a plot against Fort Knox, named appropriately after a Denny's breakfast. Does the gold-obsessed fat boy intend on stealing it all?

I got this in just under the wire. It seems that too many of my viewing choices are determined by netflix decisions to remove titles. This also goes for my next two. Which leads to another problem. I watched Goldfinger almost two weeks ago and let's face it, Bond films blend in together. I have to go reading online to remember which one is which. Anyhow, during one of these movies, Thunderball I think, I paused to film to inform my fifteen year old son and his friend that this is not how you treat women. This is what is termed 'assault'.

Anyhow, this is the film that has hottie Shirley Eaton die from skin suffocation (not possible), a giant Korean who chops off heads with his hat, and a decidedly middle aged bond girl in Honor Blackman, who is actually older than Connery. Blackman quit her cushy job on TV's The Avengers to be in the movie and used it to launch herself into a series of movies that I've never heard of. Honor's character on The Avengers was replaced by the more appealing Diana Rigg.

But seriously, Pussy Galore? Was Ian Fleming a 12 year old? Did he actually use the line "You're a woman of many parts, Pussy"? Unbelievable.

Turns out I had seen this before. Maybe ten years ago, maybe thirty. Still, classic Bond that delivers what you expect. Booty count of four, AMRU of 3.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Auric Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.

Thunderball (1965)

SPECTRE has stolen two nuclear warheads (or, "Thunderballs", if you will) and threatens to blow up either a British or American city if they don't pay his demands. Bond is sent in to slut around for a while and, if possible, solve the case.

Goldfinger was supposed to be next but come showtime, netflix couldn't get it to work. So, I went to Bond number 4. Not too bad, except the final reel consisted of an ungodly tedious underwater fight scene with spear guns (they never show anyone ever reloading) and a pointlessly long boat chase. Shorten both and you have a better movie. Not much else to say. Typical stuff. Smarmy comments, clever gadgets, gratuitous action and babes. Booty count of four. AMRU of 3.

"Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."

From Russia with Love (1963)

Nefarious crime organization SPECTRE plans to steal a Russian decoding machine by coercing a hot young Russian spy and tricking Bond (Sean Connery) to steal it for them. Will bond figure it all out first? Will he nail the ruskie? Seriously? You have to ask?

I have a long simmering interest with the world famous secret agent and awesome man-whore. I had a few on my netflix queue a while ago and some point they re-appeared, only to be taken away after the first week of the new year. I got in as many as I could.

So, Bond breezes into an assignment with no apparent plan, does little actual spying and no police work, is immediately identified by all of his adversaries, and gets away with it. And with Bond films it's less about the body count than the booty count. I didn't think to keep track.

The film introduces Desmond Lleweln as Q for his first of seventeen movies (Connery did only seven). Not a bad gig. Lois Maxwell was in he second of fourteen as Moneypenny. Also see a young (ish), fit Robert Shaw. But watch From Russia with Love for what it inspired, for instance Frau Farbissina.

Bond delivers with everything we come to expect from the myth. AMRU 3.5.

Dr. No (1962)

My thirteen year old son has become familiar with James Bond through unlikely sources. The TV show Mythbusters frequently tests stunts from the movies. Also, there was a program called "The Cars of the Bond Movies". For reasons that escape me, he has become a Bond fan. I brought the first of the series home from the Library.

He knew that Sean Connery played Bond in many of the films. I asked him if he knew who he was. He said he had heard of him. Do you know who else he played? Not sure. He seems familiar. Listen to his voice. See if you can't place him.

I saw Dr. No a long time ago, or at least portions of it. I only remember bits and pieces. I do remember the book, however, which I read in my mid to late 20's. A secret agent disappears along with his files of a mysterious Dr. No. The good doctor operates a bauxite mine on an island off the coast of Jamaca. (note: in the book it wasn't bauxite he was mining. It was bat shit. Seriously.) The dashing Bond is sent in to investigate.

No discourages visitors via terror and intimidation. The locals fear a dragon. People who sail ashore disappear. Bond must simply take a look. There he meets up with Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress). Got to love those Ian Fleming names. The missing agent is named Strangeways, and let's not forget Moneypenny.

Bond is a man-whore. An awesome man-whore, and that's why we love him. He's from a fantasy world that never existed, and doesn't exist in fantasy much anymore. He killed three bad guys and bagged three babes. The film pleases and was discrete enough to allow my 8 year old to watch. We all enjoyed it. I can't see going out of my way to watch it again, but From Russia with Love is already queued up.

After the movie I showed my son who Connery also played, specifically Indiana Jones' father. He'd also like The Hunt for Red October, but I'll suggest he read the book first. AMRU 3.