You Only Live Twice (1967)

A mysterious rocket eats an American space capsule and the US suspects the Ruskies. It was apparently launched from the Sea of Japan. Always willing to help out, the Brits have their best man on the case. Then he's killed. Roll credits.

Hoo. hoo, look who knows so much! Turns out he's only MOSTLY dead. Actually, just faking so that nobody will suspect him. Or, apparently, recognize him when he walks around without disguise. But what's the point of being a world famous secret agent if nobody knows who you are.

Anyhow, a Russian rocket is also eaten and they, damn commies, blame the sweet old US of A. Bond needs to solve this riddle before the US puts up yet another rocket. I suppose in the 60's it seemed like we were sending men into space every day.

Well, anyhow, the spoiler is that KAOS ... I mean SPECTRE is using their unbelievably advanced science to start a war. Lots of money in global devastation. Bond talks to people who are then killed, is frequently rescued at unbelievably convenient times by a hot chick, climbs a volcano to find it's a secret hide-out, flies around in an ultralight and fires missiles at people, and gets a truly awesome amount of Asian tail. In a nutshell, preposterous but follow-able story, great ninja action, hot chicks.

Connery didn't do the next Bond film (On Her Majesty's Secret Service), but did do Diamonds are Forever. Because rumors were circulating about him leaving the franchise, the studio played into them saying Bond gets married, dies, and becomes Japanese. He does all these things here, lucky him.

AMRU 3.5. I'll go with best Bond so far. I totally want to take a Japanese bath ...

"Oh, the things I do for England"

Follow Me, Boys! (1966)

Over the hill travelling musician (Fred MacMurray) feels he needs to give up his vagabond life and set roots. When the band makes a quick stop in a small town, he makes the impulsive decision to stay. In order to impress the hot bank employee (Vera Miles) he steals her idea to form a Boy Scout troop to keep the youth from mischief. In doing so, he becomes the town's first Scoutmaster.

What follows are various heartwarming stories about his trials and tribulations with the boys and in love. I woke refreshed two hours later.

I've been a scout leader for many years, and this is the first on a short list of feel-good Scout movies. It was high time I watched it. I encouraged my three sons (no smart cracks, people!) to watch it, as they too have logged many hours in the scout community. They opted to skip this one. Good move.

It was a little awkward watching the pushing 60 MacMurray woo the much younger Miles (still living). As the story moved forward in years, they didn't need to age his character much. The elderly town millionaire-with-a-heart-of-gold was played by Lillian Gish, fifteen years Fred's senior. She would outlive him by two.

Many of the vignettes seemed unnecessary. I thought we were still in 1932 when the troop has an amusing run-in with the US military on training maneuvers. With Scoutmaster Lem captured as a member of the enemy team, the boys are left to their own devices. Here is a good place to shorten the movie. I was crying anachronism what with all the high tech army gear, but apparently this segment was set in the 40's.

Side stories include Scoutmaster Lem's wooing of the Miles character, the troubled son of the town drunk (Kurt Russell), the land grab, the mountain climbing controversy, all culminating with a parade.

High Disney production, mildly amusing melodrama, too long (two hours thirteen). As a scout leader, I need to have seen it. So, therefore, AMRU 3, and mission accomplished. Not too painful, but it should have been shorter and 60's Disney family dramady isn't exactly in my wheelhouse. Nice to see Lillian Gish in a soundie.

"Young man, you are a popinjay."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923)

Quasimodo is ugly, Esmeralda is hot, the archdeacon's brother is evil, Quasi is told to kidnap the gypsy, gets punished, gypsy chick shows him kindness, class struggle, Sanctuary, Sanctuary, nobody ever asks for whom the bell tolls. Roll credits.

The term "Silent Epic" doesn't totally stir in me what it might, but I'm a complete Lon Chaney junkie, and this was the first film he had a major influence in creating. He suggested the story and had a hand in casting. His makeup was state of the art and the scale grand. Still, bit of a snooze-fest.

Wow, am I done? There must be more to say. Little disappointed that there wasn't more Chaney in it. He reveled in the unrequited love theme and it's in there, but not highlighted. The archdeacon was a good guy in the movie because the studios didn't want a clerical villain. Apparently he was evil in the book. Don't really know. Victor Hugo wasn't on my summer reading list.

So, that's it. AMRU 3. Not bad. Would be nice if a quality copy was found. The surviving copy is real rough and has about fifteen minutes missing. It was the first Hollywood version and it would take 79 years and Disney to do a sequel. Bad idea. And knowing people who experienced Gypsies when living in Europe, Hollywood totally white-washed their reputation. I wonder how the 1939 version is ...

Donovan's Brain (1953)

A dorky doctor (Lew Ayres) and his homely wife (Nancy Davis), along with his alcoholic friend, do experiments on monkey brains for the betterment of man. When a plane crashes nearby, Doc is pressed into triage duty. The lone survivor is brought to his home where despite their great efforts, he is declared dead. Dead, but not Brain Dead.

Stealing and experimenting on human brains is quite illegal so they'll need to cover their tracks carefully. But before they begin, there's no harm in allowing a reporter take pictures in his laboratory.

Doc hooks up a speaker to his equipment so that he can monitor the brain's health from the comfort of the living room. Inventing a telepathy device is the next logical step. Good thing this brain isn't that of an evil millionaire who would use his evil brain powers to take over peoples minds to do his evil brain bidding! Yea, that would be terrible.

Secretly, I found myself enjoying this movie. Because of the amazing story? The eerie atmosphere? State of the art special effects? Uhhh no. Ayres transformation from dorky doc to ruthless millionaire was rather good. Not exactly Academy recognition level, but it does rise above the rest of the film.

One of my reasons for watching this movie was because it stared Nancy Davis, aka Nancy Reagan. To look at her now, you would be quite surprised to learn that in her youth she was quite unattractive. In fact, when other characters called her attractive, it stretched credibility. Even for an evil brain movie.

Well, anyhow, typical 50's B-movie science fiction stuff follows and it's not all bad. This here is the second of three movies based directly on the 1942 Curt Siodmak novel, not including several other works that draw on it's influence (including a Star Trek episode). So maybe Donovan's brain isn't dead. Not dead, but brain dead? You decide. AMRU 3.

"I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"

How to Marry a Millionaire (1953)

Three hot gold diggers (Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe, and Betty Grable) set themselves up in a fancy Manhattan apartment intent on catching a rich man to becoming their trophy wives. Hilarity ensues.

They scam their way into an apartment, try to snare rich men, end up falling in love. Do they find true love? Will they learn valuable lessons in the process? Who cares. Marilyn was hot.

After the low quality schlock I've been seeing lately, I was longing for some high quality schlock. Total Hollywood bauble production value. This fits the bill. Big names, clever dialog, great sets. Kinda throw-away story, but fun. AMRU 3.5, now lets get on with the Grable.

Heard of her. My son (WWII obsessed) knew her name. Didn't know anything about her. Here, she was getting a little long in the tooth (mid-thirties) but still appealing. She showed off her legs once or twice, for what that's worth. She was, however, the most forgettable of the three ladies. Lauren, playing the older, wizened leader of the group, was the central character. It's her game we revolve around. It's her who woos big star William Powell. Being the best actress of the group (by more than a length) this makes sense. Young starlet Monroe, however, totally charmed. Nobody played hot, stupid, and blond like her.

So, what we have here is Hollywood doing well what Hollywood does well. If this kind of movie appeals to you, then this movie will appeal to you. It does to me, in certain doses.

"We'd better put a check on that one. Nobody's mother lives in Atlantic City on Saturday."

Child Bride (1938)

The marriage of under aged girls in the Ozarks is a terrible problem. Who will spread the word regarding this awful practice? I know, an exploitation film will!

Eleven year old girl (Shirley Mills) is eyed by an evil bootlegger. Righteous school-marm campaigns for legal reform. Nudie swim, tar and feather, confrontation, crisis averted, roll credits.

Like so many early exploitation films, they tantalize audiences with what they pretend to condemn. Here, it's young Jennie in the buff. And the famous skinny dip scene was both significantly long and, as the MST3K folks said, disturbing. In fact, because of those comments in particular, I was hesitant to watch this thing. But I am curious about the old "pre-code" films (not one, I know), and Amazon Prime had it available, so what the hell. But like MST3k, I too should have skipped it.

From an acting/story/dialog standpoint, it was more than a little sub-par. Take into considering the poor audio and video quality of the public domain copy, not the best viewing experience. Following the story line or even telling some of the actors apart proved to be a chore. But the sets looked authentic enough, which is to say they even totally failed at totally failing at absolutely everything.

But if you feel weird ogling the 11 year old Jennie, rest assured that at the time of filming actress Shirley Mills was the ripe old age of twelve. Not entertaining, not historically significant, not even titillating. The best thing I can say was that it wasn't painful. AMRU 2.

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Colonel Saito (Sessue Hayakawa) needs to build a bridge in short order and uses prisoners of war as labor, officers included. New recruit British Colonel Nicholson (Alec Guinness) is all for building the bridge, good for morale, you know - pip pip!, but takes exception to the part about him doing some heavy lifting. The two strong headed leaders play a war of brinkmanship. This amuses American Major Shears (William Holden), who decides to high-tail it.

Nicholson obsesses on building the bridge his way, Saito is so pressed for time and has to concede, and Shears, rescued by the British, is voluntold to embark on an operation to destroy the same bridge. A fun time is had by all.

Bridge on the River Kwai is a wonderful character study. The three main characters (plus others) are fundamentally different in their perspective. Duty and self interest collide with obsession. Watching them interact was great. Some of the best acting I've seen yet. Sure, it's long. Sure, not much in the hot babe department. Watch it anyways. Now let's talk about the bridge.

The movie is based on a true story. Some details were changed to make it a fictitious story. The Japanese Colonel wasn't all mean, the bridge wasn't built in three months, and the whole ending part didn't happen at all. In fact, historians took exception to a great many things. Please don't get hung up on such matters and think of it as a great movie BASED on a true story. Like Lord of the Rings. AMRU 4.

"I know how you feel, but there's always the unexpected, isn't there"