The Old Dark House (1932)

A bickering young couple and their wise-cracking friend are traveling down a remote road during a very bad storm. Their car gets stuck, so they decide to seek shelter in an Old Dark House. Stop me if you've heard this one.

Made two years before The Ghost Walks, this very well may be the progenitor of all haunted house movies, at least in the talkie era. It's interesting to note, however, that it's not a haunted house movie.

Over the years I've developed a few working definitions. The word Horror implies how you are made to feel, but I believe a horror movie needs another element: a monster. That monster can be a giant gorilla, a zombie, a witch doctor, alien, demon, robot, mad man, or even a virus. Some embodiment of evil. For a Haunted House movie, the house itself must be more than a setting. It must also be a character and a monster. At the risk of spoiling a better than fair movie, the this house is the setting. Nothing more.

So, our bickering couple is Philip (Raymond Massey) and Margaret (Gloria Stuart) Waverton. Gloria you may remember as the really old lady from Titanic (the Hunky Leo version). She passed away last September, two months after her 100th birthday. Wise-cracking friend Roger is played by Melvyn Douglas. They are less than graciously greeted by mute man-servant Morgan (Boris Karloff). Brother and sister Femm allow them to stay, but make it clear that they are not to make themselves comfortable.

Soon a second couple arrive with the same problem. Sir William Porterhouse (Charles Laughton) and his girl Gladys.

After some gin and potatoes, we eventually learn that Morgan is a bit of a monster, the family has some major secrets, and that Gladys is hanging around tubby Porterhouse for his money. She's just waiting for a hansom wise-cracking man to come along.

There is a statement at the beginning assuring people that this is indeed the same Karloff from the Frankenstein movie. Boris was asked to be in William Castle's remake, but declined because he didn't like the script. Seems like that was a good call.

Between 1931 and 1935, James Whale directed this, the two good Frankenstein movies, and The Invisible Man. As horror became passe, he continued producing good work throughout the 30's. Then it all ended. Maybe because he failed to keep the closet door completely shut, studios turned their back on him. He resorted to a life of fabulous pool parties and took his life at 67. It was 16 years since his last feature film.

Decent acting, clever dialog, creepy setting, and well made. Still, it's a comedy first and horror second. It was highly touted and I'm glad I watched it, but like The Haunting, it didn't quite live up to expectations. AMRU 3.

[feels the fabric of Margaret's gown] "fine stuff, but it'll rot."

[touches Margaret's skin] "finer stuff still, but it'll rot too!"

Diabolique (1955)

Michel is the headmaster of a boarding school. He is a cruel, disagreeable man. His wife and his mistress conspire to do him in.

During school break, they lure him away from the school, where they drug him then drown him in a bathtub. Next step is to sneak him back to the school and drop him into the disgusting pool. After a few days, his body should surface and his death be ruled an accidental drowning.

But, when the body fails to surface, the pool is drained and the body is gone.

Strange things happen while our two heroes try to figure out what happened. Watch the movie if you want to find out what happened.

At first I thought the blond (Simone Signoret) was the wife and the brunette (Vera Clouzot) was the girlfriend. Vera looked younger and prettier than Simone. Vera was, in fact, almost ten years older than Simone. And, incidentally, the wife of the director. She would die only five years later causing her husband to sink into depression.

The ending of this movie is a bit of a surprise and I am very annoyed to say that most of it was ruined when I watched the 100 Years of Horror documentary. Apparently they missed the anti-spoiler message. They didn't ruin the end of any other movie. Damn you, Count Dooku.

The French title was "Les Diaboliques", meaning The Devils, apparently referring to the plotting women. The American title becomes singular, I presume referring to the headmaster, who was truly horrible. And interesting shift in emphasis, if that's what it was.

The mood, the acting, the pacing, the story: everything was just about perfect. Had the ending not been spoiled, I would have enjoyed it even more. The surprise ending makes a second viewing less interesting, but I don't care. AMRU 4.

The Haunting (1963)

College Professor wants to do research into the paranormal. Specifically, he wants to study a haunted house. So he hires a couple hot research assistants and sets up shop inside the most haunted house in New England: Hill House. Nephew of the owner tags along for fun.

So, in they cart their expensive research equipment. No inferred cameras and motion sensor, but good stuff none-the-less. No, there aren't any tape recorders or thermal detectors either. Basically, he brings in blank sheets of paper. There, his highly trained staff ply their trade. Well, actually, the only qualification they seem to have is ignorance of the house and a willingness to work cheap. And, come to think of it, I never see them writing on that paper. So much for a well thought out experiment.

So, our ingenue protagonist is young Nell (Julie Harris, 38). She's never been out on her own before and seems to come chuck full with her own baggage. The other assistant is worldly Theo (Claire Bloom, 32). She likey Nell. At least as much as 1963 Hollywood would allow. Their fearless leader is Doctor Markway (Richard Johnson, 36), hunky married man. Russ Tamblyn plays nephew Luke. He don't believe in ghosts.

Well our gang has pleasant conversation, creepy things happen, Nell falls for Doctor, Nell argues with Theo, really creepy things happen, Nell goes insane, and they all live happily ever after. Except the people who die.

The Haunting is a very respected horror movie. A quick search of IMdb for keyword Haunted House and Horror Movie, it ranks sixth all time (right behind Zombieland, go figure). I had high hopes. I wasn't too disappointed, but it failed to live up to it's reputation. It wasn't very creepy, the ending was weak, and the history of the house was never fully explained. Still, it earns a respectable AMRU 3. Maybe I'll read the book.

"The dead are not quiet in Hill House."

It! The Terror from Beyond Space (1958)

Curious where "Beyond Space" is? Apparently, it's on Mars.

In the futuristic date of 1973, an expedition crashes on Mars. The only survivor is Colonel Carruthers (Marshal Thompson), who is accused of murdering the rest. They send a second expedition to Mars for the purpose of bringing Carruthers back to stand trial. Sounds reasonable.

They collect Carruthers and start their trip back to Earth. There he details his air-tight alibi: the crew was killed by an evil monster from the mist. Nobody believes him. Until members of this crew start disappearing.

When the air lock was open, they apparently picked up the most horrible of terrors: man in a rubber costume. He hides in the cargo hold using the most advanced of camouflage techniques: duck behind boxes.

Well, it's good to see that in our distant future, women have earned the right to perform such important tasks, like to clean up after the men, pour them coffee, and comfort them after they do battle with the nasty monster. Viva liberation!

Not much of a movie. I vacillated between 2.5 and 3, but in the end I decided to be generous. It was kinda fun. And short.

High Noon (1952)

The movie starts with Marshal Will Kane (Gary Cooper) marrying, apparently, his granddaughter (Grace Kelly). While in the literal process of hanging up his tin star, he learns that his old nemesis' homies are back in town, waiting for the Noon train. Could this mean trouble?

Apparently so. Seems that said nemesis was released from prison. Might he be on the aforementioned train? Hmmmm? Of course he is. Maybe he has it out for the man who put him behind bars? Hmmmm? Of course he does.

Marshal Kane's close friends try to convince him to turn chicken and run, but that doesn't sit well with 'oll Coop. So instead he tries to get a posse together to stand bad Frank Miller down. This is where it gets tricky.

It seems that not everyone is all that willing to get involved. Young Lloyd Bridges wants a hand-out, the previous sheriff (Creighton Chaney) is chicken, and some townsfolk side with Frankie. What's going on? Maybe this isn't a simple morality tale. Maybe there's some complexity to Marshal Kane. Maybe he isn't the hero he (and his delicious wife) think!

Nope, it's a straight up morality tale. Kane = Good, Miller = Evil, and the townsfolk who don't stand behind our hero are all yeller. What we have here is an allegory for McCarthyism, and not everyone in Hollywood was willing to stand firm.

51 year old Cooper was a fading star when he took the role. Not only did this revitalize his career (bleeding ulcer and all), it's rumored he bagged 22 year old Grace in the process. Not too shabby for the old mule.

Well made movie, almost done in real time. Clocks feature prominently showing how close we are to High Noon. Well acted and directed. It's considered the greatest slight in Oscar history when it lost best picture to some DeMille circus movie. It's my favorite movie of '52. So far. ARMU 3.5.

The Vampire's Ghost (1945)

Strange things are afoot in an African village. People are dying and the natives suspect a vampire. Thank god whitey is there be the voice of reason. Hunky Roy decides to enlist of good friend Webb Fallon (John Abbott) to investigate. Webb runs a casino a short walk away, apparently in the Caribbean.

Webb agrees to help and meets Roy's hottie girlfriend Julie (Peggy Stewart). Every now and again subtle hints that Webb is in fact the vampire are slammed repeatedly over our heads. Spoiler alert: he is.

Anyhow, vampy Webb wants to steal hottie Julie because that's what vampires do, hunky Roy tries to reason with him, bad stuff happens, and with the help of Father Gilchrist, hunky Roy saves the day.

Not much to say about this Republic quickie. Decent acting, decent pacing, somewhat interesting story. Nothing too original. Set in Africa yet few black faces are seen on screen, and none were major characters. Typical of the day. At least they get credit for figuring out who the baddie is first, even if that doesn't save their lives. AMRU 3.

Cheaper by the Dozen (1950)

Mr and Mrs Gilbreth pack up their twelve children and move from Providence, RI to Montclair, NJ. I bet they have a lot of crazy adventures along the way. Yea. Well, that sums up the story.

This movie is a fairly faithful adaptation of the book by the same name, written by the actual eldest Gilbreth daughter. Old friend Myrna Loy plays the Missus Gilbreth and Clifton Webb plays dad. Frank is some sort of process engineer and work has dictated he move from a post-industrial, mafia run city to, well, New Jersey. Not exactly culture shock. The book and movie were successful enough to spawn sequel book and movie called Belles on their Toes (1952). Most of the cast came back.

Cheaper by the Dozen is a well produced, well acted, first class work and I was about a half hour into it when I decided that I wasn't enjoying it much. 50's family comedies aren't my thing, I suppose. I watched too much Brady Bunch growing up. That's not to say it was hard to watch. I just didn't find their predicaments all that funny and I kinda didn't care what happened to them.

Speaking of the Brady's, I went into it thinking this was the movie that inspired the series. It's not. That movie was 1968's Yours, Mine, and Ours.

Well, who should show up as a lesser daughter but Barbara Bates, fresh from her Inspector General success and still years away from her tragic suicide. I wasn't sure if I could believe Webb as the father of twelve, but he managed to pull it off. It was nice to see Myrna again, looking very matronly, almost unrecognizable from her Nora Charles. In fact this encouraged me to see if I couldn't find some of her later work. I found the Burt Reynolds comedy The End (1978). She had a small part as Burt's mom and I had to pause it on her face to take in the fact that this was the same person.

Well, as the great-grandson of a Providence couple who managed thirteen children (twelve to survive into adulthood), I am guessing my ancestors life looked little like the onscreen Gilbreth clan. But 50's cinema wasn't about reality. Contemporary audiences didn't care, so why should I? AMRU 3.

Man on street: Hey Noah, what are you doing with that Ark?

Frank Gilbreth: Collecting animals like the good Lord told me, brother. All we need now is a jackass. Hop in!