Child Bride (1938)

The marriage of under aged girls in the Ozarks is a terrible problem. Who will spread the word regarding this awful practice? I know, an exploitation film will!

Eleven year old girl (Shirley Mills) is eyed by an evil bootlegger. Righteous school-marm campaigns for legal reform. Nudie swim, tar and feather, confrontation, crisis averted, roll credits.

Like so many early exploitation films, they tantalize audiences with what they pretend to condemn. Here, it's young Jennie in the buff. And the famous skinny dip scene was both significantly long and, as the MST3K folks said, disturbing. In fact, because of those comments in particular, I was hesitant to watch this thing. But I am curious about the old "pre-code" films (not one, I know), and Amazon Prime had it available, so what the hell. But like MST3k, I too should have skipped it.

From an acting/story/dialog standpoint, it was more than a little sub-par. Take into considering the poor audio and video quality of the public domain copy, not the best viewing experience. Following the story line or even telling some of the actors apart proved to be a chore. But the sets looked authentic enough, which is to say they even totally failed at totally failing at absolutely everything.

But if you feel weird ogling the 11 year old Jennie, rest assured that at the time of filming actress Shirley Mills was the ripe old age of twelve. Not entertaining, not historically significant, not even titillating. The best thing I can say was that it wasn't painful. AMRU 2.

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Colonel Saito (Sessue Hayakawa) needs to build a bridge in short order and uses prisoners of war as labor, officers included. New recruit British Colonel Nicholson (Alec Guinness) is all for building the bridge, good for morale, you know - pip pip!, but takes exception to the part about him doing some heavy lifting. The two strong headed leaders play a war of brinkmanship. This amuses American Major Shears (William Holden), who decides to high-tail it.

Nicholson obsesses on building the bridge his way, Saito is so pressed for time and has to concede, and Shears, rescued by the British, is voluntold to embark on an operation to destroy the same bridge. A fun time is had by all.

Bridge on the River Kwai is a wonderful character study. The three main characters (plus others) are fundamentally different in their perspective. Duty and self interest collide with obsession. Watching them interact was great. Some of the best acting I've seen yet. Sure, it's long. Sure, not much in the hot babe department. Watch it anyways. Now let's talk about the bridge.

The movie is based on a true story. Some details were changed to make it a fictitious story. The Japanese Colonel wasn't all mean, the bridge wasn't built in three months, and the whole ending part didn't happen at all. In fact, historians took exception to a great many things. Please don't get hung up on such matters and think of it as a great movie BASED on a true story. Like Lord of the Rings. AMRU 4.

"I know how you feel, but there's always the unexpected, isn't there"

Foxy Brown (1974)

Foxy Brown (Pam Grier) is a whole lotta woman. Her boyfriend is a cop who infiltrated the ghetto mob and they are out for revenge. To protect himself, he undergoes plastic surgery. Unfortunately, her ne'er-do-well brother, on the run from the same mob, recognizes him and trades his life for some debt forgiveness. Exit boyfriend. This don't go over well with o'll Foxy. She's a whole lotta woman. Foxy goes undercover in the mob's prostitution ring and, well, things play out mostly as you can expect.

What a terrible film! I occasionally hit the exploitation scene and I don't know why. The stories are formulaic, the acting is terrible, even the fight sequences are badly filmed. The only saving grace is the nudity, and Foxy Brown has fairly little. But the movie does redeem itself somewhat. The climax is clever and satisfying. I also liked the element of the boss man being a woman, with a boy-toy who clearly sees his relationship with her as part of the job. Does that save the film as a whole? I'm not so sure.

The titular character has become a pop culture icon. Is she not the archetype for Beyonce's Foxxy Cleopatra character in Goldmember? She is not the passive heroine so common in this kind of film. Foxy goes right after the bad guys and does not flinch. She takes her share of punishment and dishes out a whole lot more. In truth I can see why people become fascinated by these movies, but don't mistake them for fine filmmaking. It stands squarely in the guilty pleasure zone. That said, for me it's more guilt than pleasure. AMRU 2.5.

"That's my sister, baby, and she's a whole lotta woman."

The Outlaw (1943)

Sheriff Pat Garrett (Thomas Mitchell) learns that the infamous Doc Holliday (Walter Huston) is in town. Rather than being concerned, he's elated because the Doc is his bestus buddy ever. They have a grand reunion and Doc mentions that someone stole his favorite horse. Turns out that both horse and thief are also in town, and the man holding the reins is none other than Billy the Kid (Jack Buetel).

Well, Doc takes a liking to the kid and takes his side in a dispute with Pat. This puts Doc and Pat's friendship on the rocks and things get worse when the Kid kills a man (in self defense, of course). The drama thickens when the kid then takes a liking to Doc's best girl Rio (Jane Russell).

First off, ewww. Jane was barley twenty and Huston was pushing 60 when the film was made. Jane earned the part because director Howard Hughes needed a rack on display in the background during boring scenes. The mamarous cinematography was so blatant that censors held up the film's release for two years. When it finally came out it was a big tit. I mean hit. That's what I meant.

Now, a history lesson. Pat Garrett killed Billy the Kid. There is speculation about that event that plays out here. What doesn't compute is the presents of Doc Holliday. Doc was contemporaneous to Pat and the Kid, but in real life their story lines do not cross.

The principle subtext in this story is the love triangle between Doc, the Kid, and Rio. That's the triangle the audience is supposed to get. Further, it has been rumored that Hughes had a thing for both Russel and Buetel. The deeper subtext, however, is the love triangle between Doc, the Kid, and Pat. Pat totally played like a spurned lover. There are a couple "what the hell is going on here" moments. Now prepare yourself for an even more bizarre love triangle: Doc, Kid, and the horse. Seriously. They both has more interest in the horse than Rio. It even had a three letter name like everyone else: Red.

But let's move back to Jane's funbags, shall we? In many scenes they were so conspicuously featured it was laughable. Riding away from those terrible injuns, the men ride mostly upright while Rio is bent way over with the camera pointed down the barrel of her guns. There is a scene where Doc and the Kid sit and chat, while Rio walks back and forth, her head out of the shot, and her jugs slide from corner to corner.

The Outlaw is a fairly terrible film. The acting was bizarre when not outright bad. The story was almost inconsequential. Here is a very unconventional western that could have been made in any setting. The famous cowboys angle might have made it an easier sale to 1940's audiences, but that was never the main selling point. Having said that, it did hold my interest. While I am open to the idea of seeing it again, I feel compelled to restrict my rating to 3.

"Cattle don't graze after sheep."

20 Million Miles to Earth (1957)

Astronauts land 20 Million Miles (from) Earth on a distant, primitive planet called Sicily. Two men are pulled from the rocket by Mario and Luigi who exclaim "What a spicey meat-a-ball!" while a small-a boy sells a cylinder of space goo to a professor so he can buy a cow-boy hat from-a the Texas ...

Ok, enough with the terrible, over-the-top accent. I've never been to the Sicily so I don't-a know if they talk-a that way there, but I'll say it got fairly irritating here. Now, back to our show.

When the professor's hot daughter returns from a day of treating an injured American astronauts she is greeted by a little green lizard friend wandering about (hint: it hatched from the goo). Prof and daughter cage the beastie but come morning it's grown three times it's size. Before they can bring it to the University, it escapes and starts menacing the countryside.

Captain Hero Astronaut Man (William Hopper) wants it captured alive, but the local authorities no like-a the plan very much. As the monster continues to grow, they become desperate.

Not a bad flick. Very King Kong-esque, although not nearly as good. What may have been better was old pal's Harryhausen's work. The nuance in the movement of our Venus creature was quite remarkable. Also remarkable to note that there was a lot of his footage. It was shot in Italy because Ray wanted to visit but couldn't afford the trip himself.

Typical B-movie acting, typical story trajectory. Excellent special effects, for the day. AMRU 3. And, yes. Joan Taylor was just as hot.

"Why is it always, always so costly for Man to move from the present to the future?"

Riders to the Stars (1954)

Proto-NASA has a problem. Every time they send a satellite into space, it comes down in a crumpled heap. Solar rays turn the metal into a brittle mess, sorda like how it will eventually destroy our moon. What to do, what to do.

But wait a minute! Asteroids travel around the sun for millions of years without being destroyed. What if we could capture one and examine it for it's secrets! Yea, that sounds like a plausible idea!

So, what they do is compile a list of recruits and subject them to physical and emotional tests until they are down to three: the lovelorn Dr Lockwood (Richard Carlson, also the director), hunky Dr Stanton (William Lundigan), and grumpy Dr Gordon (Robert Karnes). Not wanting to put all their eggheads into one basket, they send them up in separate rockets at the same time. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Oddly the 40+ Lockwood was recently dumped by his early 20's hot model girlfriend Miss Manners (Dawn Addams). Early on he visits her at her work and she is sporting cleavage totally out of place for a 50's film. See if you can count the times Carlson throws a lit cigarette to the floor.

What makes this movie interesting is that it is mostly about the process of selecting the astronauts, similar in style to The Right Stuff (1983). It was an amusing mix of real science and concocted hogwash peppered with scenes like that of a punch card sorter and trucks tearing through the desert destroying native plant life.

Interesting film and a nice take on the sci-fi genre, but it lacks the hook to make it truly memorable. No monsters or threat of world disaster. Just astronauts, asteroids, rockets, and a couple hot chicks. Still, very much worth watching. AMRU 3. Terrible theme song.

No good quotes so instead I leave you with this terrifying image:

Devil Girl from Mars (1954)

A scientist and a reporter (Joseph Tomelty and Hugh McDermott) are traveling through the Scottish moors in search of an asteroid. The come upon a closed inn and convince the innkeeper to rent them a room for the night. There they meet the Innkeeper and his wife, the dowdy barmaid (Adrienne Corri), the hot fashion model (Hazel Court), and an evil escaped murderer (Peter Reynolds). 

But it seems our murderer has a heart of gold. Sure, he was convicted of murdering his wife, but he didn't mean to do it. And he truly loves the dowdy barmaid, yes he does. And just what is the hot fashion model doing all alone in a remote inn during the off season? Is she running away from something? Or is she looking for something? Something only a much older asteroid-hunting reporter can give her?

Oh, yea, and a bitch in a flying saucer lands saying something about taking over the earth.

Devil Girl from Mars is based on a play, and I have a theory about that. While not wanting to do a shred of research, I have concluded that this stage play did not feature a flying saucer nor a devil girl. Instead said play was used as a framework to inject sci-fi elements into in hopes of earning a quick buck, er ... pound. The characters seem to be dealing with their own issues while said devil girl just pops in every now and again to piss everybody off. The two parts of the story are glaringly different.

So what exactly is on our dominatrix's mind? Well, it seems that Mars had a battle of the sexes where they used actual weapons to kill each other. Now that the fairer sex has prevailed, they realize that the planet is seriously lacking in the man-talent come time to get a little action. So, they do what anyone would. Hop into the trusty cruise mobile and head to the neighboring town. Of course, this terrorizes the men. What could be worse than being the love slave of a hot chick with a ray gun.

What a wonderfully terrible film! This film had everything. Scratch that. It had many things. It had something. What it had was ... well, instead of continuing on, I'll refer you to another blog that does a much better job at this than I do:

http://www.millionmonkeytheater.com/DevilGirlMars.html

And I'll leave you with these words of warning: Beware the Sexually Aggressive Woman! AMRU 3.